Through the Looking Glass

" Defy yourself just look inside the wreckage of your past ...
To lose that all you have to do is lie.
The policy is set and we are never turning back "

- 30 Seconds to Mars

I was going to write about my therapy (The Happiness Trap - part of what I am wanting to achieve) I am starting but you know what? I don't want to bore anyone who comes here to read, so I may just skim over it every now and again.

I realised today when signing away my life as I know it, that this is going to expose my core being, so I best get used to it ... I am not going to like that part of it ONE bit. I am so used to not letting anyone even remotely close (I thought it easier to keep people at arms length). This therapy, it's going to open a whole lot of "shit" I have been trying to hold onto for years but just can't any longer, because it is extremely toxic and unhealthy. " yes I recognise this, I recognise and understand a hell of a lot more then people realise, so please no more patronising it's suffocating ... much appreciated "

The best bit of advice I can give is just live your life to the best of YOUR ABILITY, because at the end of the day, the only person who can question you, is you ... everyone else doesn't have a say in how you conduct yourself , you're in the driver's seat, it's when you allow someone else to take the wheel that things begin to "fuck up". Don't settle for less then you deserve and don't feel you need to justify yourself to anyone other then yourself. You don't owe anyone a thing (I know I have a tendency to justify my actions a lot), just be a good person, not always a nice person because sometimes people need to be told the things they really do not want to hear, myself included ...

No one EVER said life was easy, but it doesn't have to be a minefield either. Love with everything you have, even if it's a little bit because it makes a lot of difference to the person receiving it ... be honest and true to yourself, if you don't like something, change the situation, don't just sit there and accept things as they are, life does not slow down for anyone ... it's taken me a very long time to realise that I have deserved more then I was receiving (I am still learning this and still "fucking up" but I'll get there), it took tough lifechanges ... but to the people who know me and love me no matter what, they always had faith, always believed in me and stood beside me through everything, and the ones who "couldn't handle it", slowly fell away one by one until all that were left were shadows of who they once were in my eyes ... or I didn't want them in my life for whatever reason it was ...

I promised myself I would NEVER be "taken for granted" again ... I have still been hurt, but it could have been so much worse then that ... the difference was this: My life is to valuable for some miserable asshat to make it into a deadly game of minds ... I realise this NOW ... I didn't then, there's the difference :)

There are only a few things I ask for in ANY relationship I have and this is with everyone ...

• Respect
  
• Honesty
• Understanding
• Communication
• Trust
  

And if you don't understand, speak up. I am not a mind reader. It really grates me when people "assume" I should know what the hell they are on about ... A lot of the time I wish I did. I also hate games, so please don't play me. If you're in my life it is because I like you and I want to get to know you. I am actually quite "picky" with who knows what about me. A lot of people know absolutely nothing about me and that's a conscious decision on my part. Why would I give someone every single bit of knowledge about me? It's pretty foolish if you ask me.

All I can do is keep being the best person I can be and continue moving forward ... I cannot control what other people do or say, I just like to think that if anyone does want "out" of my life they will tell me before someone gets hurt, because if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's being a lieing coward. So if you want to really hurt me, either do one of two things, lie to me, or just disappear off the face of the earth without an explanation. I don't deal well with either.

" Carpe Diem - Seize the Day ... "